In Search Of A Midnight Kiss
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Fifteen days are left before Christmas and a thousand of secrets that Maura keeps for herself, starting with her feelings for Jane. Will she ever manage to tell her friend before the bells ring at midnight? And for the first time, find herself in her arms. JM fic.
1. On Tremont Street

**Chapter one:**

**On Tremont Street**

**December, 10th **

As the wind became stronger – blowing through her hair, sending icy chills down her spine – Maura huddled up in her coat and looked down at the shiny asphalt. The snow was glimmering like a million diamonds on the pavement, the low temperatures of the night frosting the transparent surface of an icy crust. For a few seconds, the scientist wondered what would happen to her muscles – her bones – if she suddenly slid and fell down. A broken ankle, a sprained wrist. All these usual injuries that filled the ER of the city by this time of the year. At least in her morgue, she avoided the screams; children crying.

Tremont Street was quiet at this late hour of the day. The stores were closing, people going back home in a last attempt to escape from the cold. Her steps slowed down, subconsciously enough. She was in advance, way too much to wait outside though. Her hazel eyes scanned the street in distress, stopping on the churchyard of King's Chapel.

John Winthrop – the first governor of Massachusetts – was buried there; his grave lost among old ones, some dating from the earliest years of the 17th century. She would have never said it to anyone but the honey blonde loved this place, enjoyed quiet walks through the alleys of the cemetery.

When life became too suffocating – too hard to follow – only the peaceful atmosphere of the dead had that calming effect on her; the relaxing shade of silence that spread over her soul – her mind – before rocking her peacefully and then she could go on again. Almost as if nothing had happened.

She was about to turn around again and stare aimlessly at the window stores when the soft murmurs of voices suddenly elevated in the street. It came from King's Chapel, the old Anglican church.

In the dark, its granite walls looked imposing; almost frightening. Yet the chants of the choir sounded inviting and before realizing what she was doing, Maura crossed the street. The smell of wax and old – damp – stones welcomed her as she stepped inside the chapel. Discreetly enough, she made her way to an adjacent bench and sat there – vaguely hidden by a pillar.

A dozen people were rehearsing Christmas carols in front of no audience but rows of empty seats and abandoned Bibles. Candles giving life to old paintings on the walls. Alone in such unknown world, the blonde focused on the choir.

"You should come back on Christmas Eve. We hold a concert at 9pm."

Jumping of surprise, Maura restrained a scream and turned her face towards the woman who had sit by her side on the bench. She hadn't seen her approach. In her sixties – curly silver hair framing rounded cheeks – she offered a peaceful smile to the medical examiner. Her cross caught Maura's eyes.

"I am uncertain to be available on that day but I will nonetheless keep it in mind. Thank you."

Unlike what many people assumed, the scientist hadn't been raised in a religious environment. She was not even christened. If she had been taught about the different cults, she hadn't been part of any nor had ever felt the urge to join one. Her only relation to churches and cathedrals was merely a touristic one, a surge of curiosity over these places that kept in their heart treasures of History.

"You can bring your beloved ones. I understand that you will probably celebrate the evening with them but a musical interlude – even if unusual to your existence – might be welcome. Isn't Christmas about sharing and loving?"

The last word ached, resounding loud in Maura's head. She might have been smiling, she nonetheless looked aside and bit her lower lip as if transparent – yet heavy – regrets were suddenly submerging her and she had no hold over them. The woman noticed the change on her face, her features deepening.

"Is everything alright?"

Feeling the weight of her interlocutor's gaze on her, the scientist stared down at her lap and swallowed hard. She couldn't lie, couldn't pretend anything in order to escape from the questioning and make the woman turn the page. Yet silence was loud. Too loud.

"Do you feel like talking? You are at the right place for it."

An ironic laugh escaped from Maura's lips. Unintentionally enough though. She rose a hand in the air to apologize immediately then shook her head. What was it that – at times – it seemed easier to not pretend before strangers? To not play that role one desperately tried to keep up all day long?

"I am afraid that you wouldn't approve."

The woman rose a dubious eyebrow but soon shrugged away Maura's comment. Her smile hadn't faded an inch since the beginning of their singular conversation; nor had her serenity.

"We don't judge people's confessions. Our only goal is to bring them advices, to guide them through their very own answers."

The honey blonde opened her mouth to reply but eventually remained quiet. Long seconds passed by – carried away by the choir up and close to the altar – before the scientist sighed and shook her head in a gesture of resignation.

"I should go. My friend is probably waiting for me outside, now."

The woman nodded. She didn't seem bothered nor hurt by the way Maura was obviously trying to run away from her.

"If you ever need to talk, please feel free to come back. My name is Myriam."

The honey blonde nodded – a pale smile lighting up her features – as she stood up, ready to leave. She had no intention on ever coming back and both women knew it.

"Maura. I am Maura."

The marble floor led her steps outside and as she found back the darkness of the evening, Maura took a deep breath; the cold air burning her lungs. Making her feel alive. Regrets secretly going away already.

She crossed the street and smiled as she noticed Jane on the sidewalk. The brunette was looking at the window stores absentmindedly; her hands deep inside the pockets of her winter coat. Playfully, Maura tapped her friend's shoulder to make her turn around.

Pink cheeks and dark eyes welcomed her, spreading a now usual warmth on her heart; the one that made it beat faster, way too much.

"At last! What happened to your punctuality, Dr. Isles?"

Maura rolled her eyes and grabbed Jane's arm to lead her towards Beacon Hill. It had started snowing again and she was too cold to stay outside. All she wanted was to spend the evening by the fireplace, a glass of wine in hand while enjoying being with her friend.

"I was at King's Chapel."

Her confession took the detective aback. Stifling a laugh of incredulity, Jane shook her head and passed her tongue over her lips. She was in a good mood, that evening. Which made Maura happy.

"Career changes coming your way?"

As much as she knew that Jane was joking, the honey blonde remained impassible. Her eyes staring at the sidewalk opposite the street; an invisible point where a thousand silent thoughts were fighting the delicate secrets of her soul.

"I just like it, there. It is peaceful..."

Jane tightened her grip on the honey blonde's arm. The gesture – if completely innocent from her part - still caused the same effect on the scientist and if it hadn't been for the cold, perhaps the detective hadn't missed the way her friend's cheeks reddened suddenly. How the beats of her heart sped up while a pair of hazel eyes focused on the pavement succumbing to a veil of timidity.

And all these untold things. All these feelings.

As the first townhouses of Beacon Hill appeared in front of them, Maura thought about Myriam and what the woman had said. In spite of all her kindness, there was no way she would ever understand what lay behind the medical examiner's loneliness.


	2. On Pleasant Street

_**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews, they are very well appreciated. I will update the story every two days.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter Two:**

**On Pleasant Street**

**December, 11th**

It had happened on a Tuesday morning. Just like that, without any warning. She had looked at Jane by the elevators of the BPD and it had struck her with a sudden logic.

She didn't love the brunette but was in love with her.

Such a tiny lexical difference for a gap that nobody had a hold on. But by the time she had made it to her office downstairs, the exhilaration of the novelty had faded away; melting into the cruel torpor of reality.

She wasn't supposed to fall in love with Jane. Not only because they were friends but because it was all vain. The mutuality of the feelings would never be; no mattered the fantasies that were slowly creeping into Maura's head. It was a one-sided story, a dead-end path since the very beginning that only the old passing of time would manage to make vanish.

"The countryside makes me nervous. Look at this: not a single building for the past ten miles or so. It's the perfect place to cross the path of a wacko."

Jane's hoarse voice took the honey blonde out of her daydreams. Abandoning the contemplation of the landscape that was speeding past by the car window, Maura turned her face around and rolled her eyes at her friend. Like any person who had grown up in the city, the detective found comfort in the typical traffic sound – the labyrinth of sky-scrappers and streetlights – while the silence of the fields stirred up a latent panic in her mind.

"Five more miles and we will find ourselves among a crowd of Bostonians enjoying the country life for a couple of hours. But it isn't a reason for you to speed up, Jane. The roads are icy. You would be surprised by the percentage of car accidents during this..."

The brunette rose a hand in the air to stop Maura and focused back on the road without adding a word which made the scientist smile, if only discreetly. In spite of everything, she knew that Jane was enjoying it.

When Maura had suggested to pick up their Christmas tree out of the city – up at a farm – a flame had lit up the detective's dark eyes. They rarely changed their plans. Like any people who spent most of their time together, the years had settled down a whole series of routine they didn't even question anymore so it was an adventure to leave Boston behind for a day off. A refreshing parenthesis in a life that could drag them down too easily at times.

Soon, a steeple appeared at the end of the road and the first houses of Lexington began to replace the endless fields covered in snow. The Wilson Farm was on Pleasant Street, its acres spreading all around while a dozen of cars were already parked nearby. An icy wind welcomed them as they stepped out of Jane's Subaru and walked towards the main building.

The sky was gray and dark – the snow announcing itself, glimmering into the tinsels that hung around the farm. After a quick checkup at the desk, they headed to the Christmas tree sections.

"Are you sure that you want to do it yourself, Jane? I am the one who is used to holding instruments so perhaps, I should be in charge of this axe."

The brunette scoffed away Maura's remark and walked deep into the labyrinth of trees; crossing a few people here and there from time to time. The snow was crackling under their boots – the wind blowing through the branches – while Christmas carols resounded somewhere in the background.

They would disagree about the height of the tree – the place they would put it once back to Beacon Hill – but still, deep inside, that day would nonetheless remain unforgettable in their memory. If only quietly, secretly.

"This one is perfect, and well proportioned. Actually, its symmetry is quite amazing..."

For a few seconds, Jane's eyes went from Maura to the tree – the detective obviously debating the idea of making a remark about the scientist's geometry allusions but a nod finally welcomed the blonde and with a stubborn – ridiculous – awkwardness, she made a step towards their target. Axe in hand.

"Get the cam workin', Maur'. This moment will show my whole family how Jane Rizzoli deals with a Christmas tree."

The axe hit the trunk in a murmur, barely sending fly away some bark that landed quietly in the snow. Not daring to say a word, Maura stood there and observed the scene. She knew better than to make a remark about the way her friend was trying to cut the tree. Thankfully, nobody else was around. But as stifled swearing words began to slide on Jane's lips, the scientist put her wisdom aside and stepped in.

"This axe is shit!"

In a gesture of frustration, the brunette abandoned the tool on the ground and started shaking the tree in a desperate attempt to get it off the earth. The snow that had landed on the branches was falling around, covering Jane's dark hair of a fine layer. Restraining a laugh, Maura grabbed her friend's wrist to make her cease.

"Will you stop already! Nothing will be left of it if you keep on shaking it like that."

But only following her stubbornness, the detective kept on releasing her frustration on the branches; her face now reddened by the effort. She had managed to grab most of it – pulling it all towards her body – when her boots slid on the snow and before having a chance to say something, Jane lost her balance; landed on the ground, dragging Maura in her fall.

Laid on her back – eyes fixed on the gray sky – the medical examiner burst out laughing, cast a glance at her friend who was mumbling her frustration away. Jane shrieked.

"I hate the countryside!"

But soon enough, a smile lit up the brunette's face – made her eyes glimmer and Maura's stomach flip – as she locked her eyes with the scientist and rolled on her side to face the blonde properly. Their laugh mixed into the wind and for a tiny second, nothing else mattered.

Nothing else existed.

_I live for these moments with you, without you ever knowing about it. I am sorry if I betray you, Jane. But I can't help it._

It didn't even ache anymore in Maura's heart. She had got used to all of this and had accepted it as part of her very own, singular existence. Nobody would ever know and so what? Love wasn't a crime.

"Okay, time to regroup. Give me back the axe and this time, I will get it. Oh, and take a pic for Casey. I told him we were heading out of town for a tree. It'll make him laugh for sure."

The name resounded too loud in Maura's head, sobering her without any warning. Blankly, she looked how Jane stood up – swept away the snow from her clothes – and picked up the axe again. Something burned in the scientist's throat. She swallowed hard – took a deep breath – and looked down at her lap.

She never forgot Casey. How could she, anyway? If she tried – if only subconsciously – he would come back only to hit her harshly; straight in the back. He wasn't on the same continent but his presence kept on floating around, digging a scar in her heart that would never disappear. And it made her feel stupid.

_Why did you have to lay your eyes on him? Why can't he just leave you alone? Don't take it bad, Jane. But I can't stand him. _

"I am sure that you will do just fine, this time."

A smile embraced Maura's face but nothing glimmered. Her tone of voice had lost itself in a whisper – barely finding an echo against the trees – as her eyes kept on avoiding Jane. It would pass. It always did somehow. More or less quickly. And then – in spite of the guilt – the honey blonde succumbed again to her silent feelings.


	3. On Northern Avenue

_**Author's note: thank you again for all the reviews, I really appreciate them and hope the story isn't too dark and/or sad (don't be worried, it won't last)**_

**Chapter three:**

**On Northern Avenue**

**December, 12th**

The brouhaha of The One Division Cafe in the background rocked her peacefully as she looked at the snow flakes twirling outside in the street. Mug of tea in hand, Maura was leaned against the window. Up on her feet, ready to go back downstairs to her office. She allowed herself a few minutes of break everyday if only to see the light of the day. The neon of the morgue dragged her down, especially on a cold – dark – winter like the one they were having. If she enjoyed the quietness of the place, at times a urge she could barely contain pushed her towards life again and she went upstairs. There, she observed the activity of the coffee shop and nourished herself of its vitality. Discreetly.

"Maura? Maura Isles?"

The voice – vaguely familiar – wrapped her up of an odd feeling and as she turned around to face her interlocutor, the medical examiner knew beforehand who was standing there; against all expectations.

"Sophia... What a surprise! What are you doing here?"

Maura's enthusiasm didn't sound fake yet slightly forced, trying desperately to hide her discomfort. She hated it when her private life decided to get mixed with her professional one. There were things nobody was supposed to know at the BPD. A few details that her colleagues should have been ignoring.

"I was stopping by Boston for work and this is the first coffee place I found on my way. I am going to assume that you work at the BPD, now."

The honey blonde nodded as a warm smile slid on her lips. Out of a subconscious curiosity, her hazel eyes looked down at Sophia's hand. The woman was wearing a wedding band.

"I do and... Oh my god, you are pregnant!"

Sophia's stomach had been hidden by a large scarf until then but as she leaned against a chair, the piece of wool moved away to reveal her curves. Maura's comment got welcomed by a frank laugh; one even time hadn't managed to erase completely. All of a sudden, a thousand memories invaded the scientist's mind. She swallowed hard.

"It is our third... And my first. Until now, Grace carried them. We decided to change the "rules" this time around. It is a boy. Due in March."

Grace. Maura hadn't dared to ask. Grace and Sophia. Fifteen years later and they had a family, now. They had it all when the blonde had been left with nothing in the end.

"How about you? Do you have children? Are you married?"

Maura opened her mouth to reply – to use these words she had learned by heart through the years – but a well-known voice stopped her in her tracks. Jane had obviously approached without nobody noticing it.

"Excuse-me to interrupt you but Maura... We've been trying to call you for ten minutes already. We got a call in the Seaport District. We gotta go."

…

Leaned against the large windows of The Institute of Contemporary Art – arms crossed on her chest – Maura stared blankly at Boston harbor, its gray waters coldly inviting on such a snowy day. She didn't come very often to the museum but every time she did, the panorama ended up hypnotizing her and she could spend hours looking at Fan Pier behind the glass of the four-story modern building.

"Maura?"

The call of her name made her jump of surprise. Jane was standing in her back, her latex gloves still on.

"Are you alright?"

In an attempt of mimicking her friend's posture, the detective came closer to the window and looked at the boats floating in the distance. Soon, the sun would disappear and it would be too dark to enjoy the landscape from there.

"I have scheduled the autopsy for tomorrow morning, 9am. The body has been transferred already. Are you done as well?"

Because of the weather conditions, they had driven to the Seaport District together and patiently Maura had waited for Jane to finish her job on the crime scene. The end of the day was near, the scientist did not need to go back to her office. At last the glass of wine by the fireplace she had been longing for all day long seemed close enough for her to now relax.

"Yes, we are. How about I drop you at your place – go pick up Jo Friday – and come back for dinner? Unless you have other plans, of course."

She might have not been saying so but Jane was suffering from Casey's absence. Maura knew it, deep inside even though it hurt. The brunette had been avoiding evenings alone at her place for quite a while now. Not that the scientist felt like complaining. On the contrary.

The reasons weren't the ones she wished for, the result was still alike and if only for a few hours Jane was by her side. Nobody else. A cruel game of appearances and lies. But what to expect from a friend whose feelings had nothing to do with the ones consuming her own heart?

"This sounds good to me. Will you spend the night over? If I leave my Prius at the BPD, I'll need you to drive me back there tomorrow morning."

Jane nodded enthusiastically before grabbing her friend by the arm to lead her back to the entrance of the museum. Surprisingly enough, she hadn't asked a thing about Sophia during the journey downtown. Instead, she had remained focused on the road – alluding to the crime scene they had been about to see – and that was it. She had left her usual curiosity behind for Maura's highest relief. What would have she said if asked to introduce Sophia properly?

_I lost everything to this woman, once. Just the way I am losing it back to you right now._

They left the museum and Northern Avenue behind in the same odd silence that had wrapped them up for a large part of the day. Only when they arrived on Beacon Hill did Jane finally talk again. As she stopped the car in front of her friend's townhouse, she turned her face around and locked her eyes with Maura's. Intensely. Seriously.

"Don't take it bad but you look a bit off, today. You would tell me if something was wrong, right?"

Jane might not be in love with her, she still cared about her well being and that was a detail that Maura considered as a luck in itself. Her parents lived on another continent – she didn't have relatives around – and if it weren't for the brunette, her lonely life would have looked even more awkward. The question warmed up her heart and within a second, a bright smile lit up her hazel eyes. A nod accompanying it.

"I am doing just fine. I swear I am."

But as if her answer weren't enough, Maura bent over to plant a soft – delicate – kiss on Jane's cheek. It was a completely unusual gesture from her part but the detective didn't look surprised nor shocked. Or at least she didn't show it.

"Okay... I'll be right back."

She forced herself to enter the house and not wait for the Subaru to disappear at the end of the street. It would have sounded stupid to say the least and in spite of all, Maura knew better than that.

She took her boots off in the lobby – abandoned her bag by the door – and walked towards the kitchen on her tiptoes only to squat down by Bass. With tenderness, she caressed the tortoise and smiled at the pet.

"Guess who is coming tonight..."


	4. On Pinckney Street

_**Author's note: thanks a lot for all the reviews!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter four:**

**On Pinckney Street**

**December, 12th – evening**

Maura grabbed her mug of tea with her two hands and blew on the steam while plunging her eyes with Jane's. Sat on the other end of the sofa, the brunette smiled – evasively – then huddled under the large blanket as a sigh of satisfaction passed her lips. It was a smooth evening, relaxing enough. They hadn't talked much about the new case that had landed in their hands earlier in the afternoon. Sometimes, they just preferred to put their job aside and focus instead on lighter subjects. They needed that break – even if quietly enough – if they wanted to be able to confront themselves to the darkness of a singular daily routine that most of people didn't understand.

"Who was the woman you talked to, today? At The One Division Cafe. The pregnant one."

Had it only been a matter of time before Jane to ask such question? Almost resigned, Maura shrugged – cast a glance at the flames dancing in the fireplace – and remained quiet for long seconds as if looking for the words that would fit the best her ineluctable reply.

"Sophia is an old acquaintance from college. I hadn't seen her for at least fifteen years... She moved out of Boston when we graduated. We didn't keep in touch."

Jane nodded, obviously satisfied enough of the answer. Yet in spite of it, Maura didn't relax. If asked for more details about the relation she had with Sophia, the situation would become more complicated. And she wouldn't know how to handle it properly.

"Do you think at times about motherhood? About maternity?"

The medical examiner barely hid her surprise. They didn't talk much about such matter, even when TJ was around. It was delicate, for a thousand reasons. And perhaps – if only in vain – it was better to just ignore the question in itself. Uncomfortable, the honey blonde moved and took a sip of her tea.

"Not really. Not anymore... Do you?"

Jane bit her lower lip as her cheeks suddenly turned red; a pale shade but that nonetheless contrasted a lot with her olive skin. Jo Friday jumped on the sofa to settle on her lap. She let the dog do, caressed it.

"I guess it's fair enough, isn't it?"

For a tiny moment, Maura thought about Casey and tried to picture him out living in a suburban house with Jane. A neat alley. A dog. Children. She quickly swept the thoughts away and cleared her voice as if the mere sound would help her to forget such vision. It might have been cruel but she didn't want it to happen. She didn't want Jane to go away. Things had to stay the way they were, now.

She couldn't afford to build it all over again for a future that would have never looked so uncertain and pointless.

"Of course, it is. Most of people think about it."

Yet as she said so, Maura realized that she wasn't part of them anymore. She had long ago drawn a line under the idea of bringing someone to life. Not that she didn't like children – on the contrary – but how could she teach one about the preciousness of existence when she herself had a hard time understading it properly?

...

Something woke her up. Suddenly. As she opened her eyes and tried to adapt to the darkness around her, Jane swallowed hard; focused on her breathing. The moon was piercing through the windows of Maura's bedroom, sliding on the hardwood floor; leaving a silver tray behind. Quietly, the detective turned around – grabbed her cell phone abandoned on the bedside table – and checked the time.

3am.

Why did it always have to happen? Why did these insomnia always had to strike her in the early morning while she had fallen asleep without any problem earlier? Pushing away her latent frustration, she rolled on her side and observed her friend in the dark. The blonde was peacefully sleeping – her usual serenity embracing her features.

For some reason, they had always slept in the same bed. If at her place, they didn't have much of a choice, at Maura's she still could have retreated to the guest bedroom but Jane never did.

She liked their routine too much for that; the way they kept on talking – their voices fading in whispers after a while – until they finally fell asleep without even realizing it. It was their thing; their moment. A detail everybody ignored and that made their relation unique, different from the other ones.

Too different, perhaps?

Now wide awake, Jane thought about the last few days. Their trip to the farm to pick up a tree, the time spent decorating it downstairs in the living-room. Maura's laughter resounding loud, warming up her heart in a singular way. If asked a few years back, the brunette would have never imagined to meet a person who would make her feel like that. Someone whose friendship would be stronger than any other one around. It had its advantages – a whole series of points that Jane considered as chance – but yet she had to recognize also that their symbiotic link kept on digging a gap between the two of them and the rest of the crowd.

Starting with Casey.

The name popped up in Jane's head before she had a chance to push it back. She didn't want to think about him, especially when Maura was around. Nobody alluded to it but the three of them knew what lay behind their odd _ménage à trois_. It couldn't last. At some point, someone would have to step in and make a choice and it would be hard. Too hard.

_That's why you need to enjoy what you're having now. Don't think too much about tomorrow. Don't do that._

Lost in her impenetrable dreams, Maura moved – frowned – and clutched tighter her pillow as she rolled on her side; facing the brunette with her eyes closed. Her sudden gesture made Jane smile. Amused, the detective waited for a few seconds to see if the scientist would start talking this time around as she had already done in the past. Nothing really comprehensible – a mumble of words – but that had entertained the brunette nonetheless while lost herself to her insomnia.

When it became evident that the medical examiner had drifted off to sleep soundly again without talking, Jane approached a hand from the blond hair.

In the dark, she began to slowly caress it yet making sure that Maura wouldn't wake up any time. How would she react if she caught her friend in the act? It was a singular gesture. Intimate enough. And Jane knew that she wasn't supposed to do that.

Driven by a feeling she could hardly explain, the brunette leaned up on her elbow – came closer to her friend – and planted a soft kiss on top of Maura's head. Then – quietly enough – she settled in her crook and closed her eyes. The blonde's smell going to her head peacefully.

"You aren't the only one who feels lost and lonely, Maura."

The words slid on her lips before she had a chance to hold them back. The murmur vanishing in the room, floating in the dark. Jane closed her eyes. She swallowed hard.


End file.
